I Would Have Said Goodbye
by Efiwyvan
Summary: SAINW fic. After Same As It Never Was, Donatello writes a letter that he hopes his family will never have to read.


Dear Master Splinter, Leo, Raph, Mike…

I guess you know that I'm not good at putting things down on paper, unless those things are theories, codes, or calculations... but right now I feel the need to try. I am never going to give you this letter, but if you are reading it, then I guess you have found it in my things. I hope you don't think I am mad at you, though, since I am going to hide it in my stuff for just that reason. I trust you guys and I know that you'd never go through my stuff if I was still around, and if you are holding this paper, well, then I must not be around any more. I just wanted to say that I am sorry for that.

Guys, do you remember when we were little and we learned about humans writing wills? We all thought it was because when people died they didn't want people fighting over the stuff that was left behind. We all went on some kind of morbid kick and we sat down and crayoned out lists of the things we had, naming who would get what when we died. I guess the concept kind of went over our heads back then, because somewhere along the line I realized that wills weren't supposed to be so much about the things you left behind, but about the people you left behind. To let them know that they have always been in your thoughts. I don't have much stuff leave to you, just my gear and hundreds of unfinished gadgets. And hope. Hope for the future. I will be seeing you there.

See, something happened that made me stop and think about the future. I had thought that I had managed to change what was going to happen just by coming back to the here and now, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe there is nothing I can do to change it, maybe, no matter what road I take, there will be a time when you wake up and I will be gone. All I really know is that, if things turn out the way I have been fearing they will, I am going to be gone for a very long time. I know that doesn't make any sense, and I can't really explain it, but please believe me when I tell you that I didn't mean to leave. I don't even know if I left. Maybe I was taken, maybe I died. Maybe the universe opened up and I fell into it. Maybe it doesn't matter where I went, just that I am gone. But wherever I am, you can be certain that I want to be home. And someday, I will be. I promise. Just please don't let the family fall apart. Hold on to one another, never let each other go. Wait for me… don't give up on me. I swear on my honor, I will come back.

Master Splinter… I can't thank you enough for all you have done. You raised me, taught me, forgave me, and never, ever gave up on me. You are my father, and you always will be... even after we are gone. You have shown more faith in me than I sometimes deserved, and it was that faith that made me strong enough to carry on. You did more than anyone could have ever asked of you. You took us in, made a family. We are not related by blood, I know, but that doesn't matter. It has never mattered. You have always been the father you didn't have to be, and that made you more of a father than any sons could have ever hoped for. I love you, I always have. Maybe I didn't say that enough. Maybe I didn't show it enough. But every night when I go to bed I think about how precious you are to me, to all of us. I am so sorry for leaving you, Sensei. I would give anything if I could curl up into your lap one last time and have you rock me to sleep, like you did when I was little.

I don't know if days or years will pass before you find this letter. If I am lucky, you will never have to find it. Maybe someday, twenty, thirty years down the line I will be going through my own stuff and come across it and laugh at how silly it was for me to pour my heart about something that never ended up happening. I still have hope for the future, but if you are the ones reading these words, then I guess you can't stop fate. So, I guess there isn't much else to say. Take care of yourselves. Give April my love. Tell Casey to be careful. Wait for me.

I am going to put this letter away now, then I'll tell you guys goodnight, like I always do, and I'll head to bed. But if this is the last time I close my eyes, the last time I go to sleep... I know I will wish I'd have said something more. If I had only known I wouldn't be there in the morning, I wouldn't have just said goodnight… I would have said goodbye.

Love always,

your son, your brother,

Donatello


End file.
